Tuesday, October 11, 2005

The Payne City Big Fart Festival

Payne City has been struggling to come up with its own festival theme. Most of the good festival themes have already been taken, with most of them having to do with pork in some way or another.

Vienna has the Big Pig Jig. Yatesville has the Chitlin Hoedown. Hawkinsville has the Spring Pig Ribbin'. And Moultrie wins the prize with the Best Butt in Georgia festival, this year featuring the Used To Be Macon Telegraph employee I saw picking up lunch at Jeneanne’s in a tight pair of blue jeans a couple of weeks ago.

After much discussion the city fathers have decided that Payne City will host – the Payne City Big Fart Festival.

Payne City Mayor Earl Sikes says he has appreciated farting contests ever since he was a boy. “After I heard the Great International Crepitation Contest on a 78 RPM vinyl disk at a friend’s house I knew that flatulence was more than just a bodily function. It was a way to express yourself.

“We’re gonna have a baked bean dinner the night before with turnip greens and sweet potatoes on the side. The next morning we’ll have the contestants grab hold of the flagpole and let ‘er rip! The adult winner will be named the Payne City Big Fart. The youth winner will be the Little Fart and the winner on the senior level will be the Old Fart. And the one with the highest IQ will be the Smart Fart.

I asked Mayor Sikes the question that was on everyone’s mind.

“No, we won’t be lighting any farts. That’s dangerous stuff. I knew a fellow once that lit a fart and then he had a backdraft. That wasn’t a very pretty sight.”

See you at the flagpole. (Can you pass the baked beans, please?)


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You need to do like Dave Barry and put in parenthesis (I'm not making this up!) when something is actually true. I am courious if all of the pork festivals are true. Some sound legit.

10/12/2005 10:24 PM  

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